How come so many of us are challenged to set boundaries and to embrace our authentic selves in relationships with other human beings?

The source of our inability to assert a firm ‘no’, Dr Maté, a Hungarian physician and best-selling author described, is to be found in our infancy. As small children he explained, we have two inherent needs:

· the need for attachment — which is our drive to be close to another

· the need for authenticity — which is our desire to be seen and loved for who we are

As babies, when we are still closely connected to the source (imagine looking into a baby’s eyes here) we know unconditional love. Whether you support spiritual concepts or not it is easy to imagine that babies are still within reach of the mysterious space all of us came from. Their soul shines through effortlessly. Their purity and innocence make it easy to love them unconditionally. As babies, our ‘no’ comes natural to us. When we don’t want the breast, we keep our mouths shut, we move our heads away. If we dislike a certain food, we spit it out. We are unconditioned, clear with our boundaries and do not feel guilty for setting them. Not dissimilar to animals; as the saying goes: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

During the course of our childhood, our source of love comes from our primary caregivers. And we slowly learn that it is not always ok to express our authentic feelings. Imagine a little boy who is angry about something and as a result starts crying and screaming. His parents, unable to provide a secure holding environment, perhaps overwhelmed by his display of fierce emotion or simply distracted with something else, want the boy to stop his upsetting behaviour asap. It’s not a good time for the boy to ‘misbehave’ and thus the parents will do anything to keep him in check. Either by withdrawing attention, putting him in a corner until he calms down, sending him to bed without dinner or by invalidating his tears: “Boys don’t cry. Pull yourself together. Be strong”. The parents feel overburdened and anxious as a result of the boy’s tears and may express that by crying and screaming themselves. All of these measures leave the boy feeling cut off from his primary connection. Instead of being held lovingly, he feels separate from the love of his parents, and thus temporarily loses his attachment.

If this dynamic reoccurs, he will learn that being authentic does have unfavourable consequences. He has to suppress his authentic feelings, in this case his anger and sadness, in order to stay attached. As children attachment is crucial for survival and hence, we will almost always surrender our authenticity to satisfy our need for attachment to our primary care givers.

When we struggle to set boundaries as adults, to communicate ‘no’ and struggle to stand for our authentic desires, unbeknownst to us, we re-enact the abovementioned scenario: Attachment over authenticity.

A client recently shared that he felt stressed and impatient during long-winding phone conversations. He felt angry and frustrated with the person on the other line, specifically that they would take up so much of his time, held monologues that would last up to 20 minutes and kept complaining.

“Don’t they know, how obnoxious this is.” He said. “They keep telling me the same thing over and over. I give them advice, which they seem to understand and then, they go and do it all over again. I honestly have better things to do. My time is valuable. I don’t understand why they can’t see that.” he himself protested.

I asked the client: “How did you feel in the conversation?” “Heavy, restless, impatient, constricted, bored.” came his reply.

If we can remain present to it, our body knows exactly when a boundary is being crossed.

“At what point during the conversation did you notice your impatience and discomfort?” I asked.

“Pretty early on, after 10 minutes”, he shared.

When we notice after 10 minutes that we no longer want to be having this phone call and nevertheless stay on for another 50 minutes or fail to express our sentiment so as to change the course of the conversation, we choose attachment over authenticity.

Rather than articulating our need we ignore our physical reaction and endure 50 uninspiring minutes, which leave us feeling heavy, frustrated and annoyed with the other person. Why is it so difficult to choose authenticity?

“How come you didn’t tell them when you noticed your discomfort?” I enquired. “Because I don’t want to hurt them.” the client replied.

An answer that is common. But is it true? What, if we follow that train of thought, is behind not wanting to hurt the other? Perhaps a fear that they won’t like us any longer, maybe they’ll take their complaints elsewhere, no longer need us…. and how does that reflect on our own sense of self- worth? Attachment over authenticity.

I challenged the client: “I wonder how it serves the other when you silently stay put in the conversation whilst internally cursing that they won’t shut up already to let you get on with your life?”

As long as we are unable to authentically voice what is happening for us in the moment, we are enabling the dynamic to take place. It’s never just the other.

Expressing ourselves authentically is difficult. If as grown-ups we do try to be authentic, for instance by communicating a ‘no’ or setting a boundary, often feelings of guilt arise to keep us in check. Born from our innate desire to connect, it becomes far easier to protect the other’s interests instead of standing for our own well-being and risking loss.

However, the feelings of guilt generated by our subconscious are outdated. Our survival no longer depends on our attachment to the other, be it a friend, boss, wife, brother or person on the end of a phone line.

Another client, feeling extremely uncomfortable about it, shared that they were unable to set boundaries in bed with their spouse and that their sex was unsatisfying. Every time their spouse wanted to have sex, they complied whether they felt sexual desire present or not. Over the years this behaviour led the client to experience internal pressure and feelings of resentment towards their spouse. Ultimately their body began to shut down and develop a chronic infection, which made having sex impossible for long periods of time.

“What do you think would happen if you said no?” I enquired. “They would divorce me.” came the answer. I wondered how they knew that this would be the consequence. “In my past relationship when I said I wasn’t up for having sex my partner would threaten to find someone else to have sex with. Ultimately, they did. I swore I’d never let that happen again.” the client shared.

Attachment over authenticity.

It’s true. Authenticity does have repercussions. It can lead to uncomfortable conversations, a friendship to end or a spouse divorcing us.

So, what is the benefit of being authentic? Let’s look at our two examples.

The phone call: Instead of staying on the line bored, we could say: “I do not feel part of this exchange. When you hold 20-minute monologues and it makes me withdraw and feel disconnected. You’ve been complaining for 20 minutes now and it feels heavy for me. I’m getting impatient, I don’t feel seen or heard in this conversation. It is challenging for me to express this because I’m afraid it will hurt you.”

The married couple: Instead of just getting on with unsatisfying sex, we could express: “I do not want to have sex with you right now. I do not feel aroused. It doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to you. I love you. I am afraid to tell you this because I learned very early on that when I express my desires authentically it has negative consequences.”

In a healthy dynamic the other person respects you expressing yourself authentically and together you can explore what’s going on and thus deepen the connection. In an unhealthy dynamic the other is unwilling to respect your boundaries, possibly blaming, shaming or leaving you.

So, what if they leave?

In our examples: The caller finds another person to offload their monologs to, whether that listener is actually interested or not, they won’t know; the spouse finds a new partner who always says yes to having sex, whether they actually like it or not, remains unclear.

Here is the irony: Whilst we believe that by playing by another’s rules, we keep our attachment, the bond we have is inauthentic and thus, does not allow for genuine connection to occur in the first place.

In general, the more immature we are, the higher is our need for attachment. Not knowing how close the source of love and connection really is, we seek it outside ourselves stumbling through the dark and driven by our subconscious shadows. We hide our most precious desires, afraid of getting rejected, anxious about losing a loved-one and insecure about our innate lovabilty.

As adults if we choose attachment over authenticity continuously it leads to feelings of inferiority, self-doubt and distance; the exact opposite of the connection we seek to establish.

What can we do to gain more awareness and stop lying to ourselves and others?

First, start noticing when you choose attachment over authenticity.

Ponder the following questions:

· Where do I struggle to say no?

· What story am I telling myself about it?

· Is that really true?

· What is the impact of me not saying no?

Once you begin to practice setting boundaries beware of feelings of guilt. Maté says those emotions are akin to a stupid friend, who tries to keep you in check to protect you from an imaginary threat that is long obsolete. Don’t listen to him. Just as any emotion, feelings of guilt will pass.

This is your life after all, choose wisely. Would you like to be pushed and pulled by your antiquated, unconscious programming like a feather for every wind; or rather own your authentic desires and step into a self-determined life? The beauty of authenticity, albeit uncomfortable, is you will attract and surround yourself with fellow travellers who also appreciate genuine interactions, deepened connections and uninhibited love.

“We’re all just walking each other home”- Ram Dass.

Please note that in order to ensure client confidentiality, aspects of the case studies have been changed and individuals made incognizable.